Communication is one of my favourite aspects within the DeRose Method. When I first began practising in 2000, I was particularly keen on learning about a system for reinforcing behaviours which later Professor DeRose converted into a book called Furry Angels which I later translated into English. Recently, as I have been looking at ways to communicate more effectively with my son I discovered another system, Nonviolent communication, which can add to the DeRose Communication process and create what I’ve called DeRose Communication 2.0 – I created a course and workshop on this topic and maybe one day you will attend one.

In this article I am going to explore one of the aspects of this course: how mindfulness can be used to better relationships and communication. Throughout the article I will aim to provide actionable insights for you to put in practice in your life now. 

The best way for us to begin is by understanding the concept of mindfulness. In the DeRose Method we define mindfulness as a state of consciousness which is akin to being present in the present. It is to be fully engaged with, and aware of, the moment you exist. This is achieved through a technique of mental concentration. Therefore, mindfulness is, in its essence, our ability to concentrate our mind and to remain focused on the moment at hand. In the ancient philosophies that are part of the DeRose Method, this skill is referred to as dháraná. I will use the words dháraná and mindfulness as adjectives even though they are not exactly the same, you can find out more about this from our Ultimate Guide to Mindfulness for Beginners.

In this article we are going to explore: 

1. Mindfulness in Communication
2. Mindful Listening
3. Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

Mindfulness in Communication

If we were to analyse all the communication that you do, from greeting a colleague to meetings and conversations with your partner, I would suggest that a significant portion of this process has been done automatically. In other words, while you communicated, your attention and focus were not fully dedicated to that moment. It is likely that while you listened or talked, you thought about something else while the communication process just ran on automatic.

It is common for people to hear what is being said with the intent to reply even before the speaker has finished talking. This habitual behaviour leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, and reactive conversations, creating barriers to effective communication. Over time, these communication gaps can lead to unresolved issues, decreased trust, and a breakdown in teamwork and collaboration.

Mindfulness is the key to addressing these issues in communication. By concentrating and focusing on the conversation, becoming fully present in the moment, you will be able to resolve many, if not all, of these issues. For example, as you experience the state of dháraná, you will capture crucial non-verbal cues and the emotional undertones of the conversation, leading to better understanding and increased empathy.

How do you apply mindfulness in communication?

If you are not familiar with this type of exercise or do not have the experience to do it by yourself, please follow the audio below, which I recorded for you.

The application of this technique in communication starts at the place described by Professor DeRose in one of his books: 

“Before I started writing, I turned off my phone, I closed all the apps on my computer, I closed my eyes and started to observe my breathing, my emotions, and my state of mind. I prepared myself for the task of writing. I did all this so I could be fully present, without distractions, and make the best use of my limited time. Although it may seem like I was doing a meditation technique, I did not do those actions above with the intent of meditating, nor reducing stress.”

Before you start a conversation, I recommend taking 2 or 3 minutes to do the exercise above. In that state of mind, have the conversation. I would love to hear about your results, so write to me at: fabio.martins@derosemethod.org 

Mindful Listening 

When you apply mindfulness to listening, you are fully concentrating, understanding, responding to, and remembering what is being said during a conversation. This may involve taking notes, but even then, you are fully connected to the moment of the conversation.

Mindful listening is a critical component of effective communication, yet it is often hindered by various barriers. Distractions, both external and internal, can significantly impede our ability to fully engage with any speaker. External distractions might include background noise, interruptions, or multitasking, while internal distractions involve our wandering thoughts and emotional responses. Additionally, preconceived notions and biases can cloud our judgement, causing us to interpret the speaker’s words through a distorted lens. This not only leads to misunderstandings but also diminishes the quality of our interactions and relationships.

These distractions prevent us from fully understanding the communicated message, often resulting in miscommunication and frustration. For instance, in a work setting, missing key details in a conversation can lead to mistakes and inefficiencies, ultimately affecting team performance and productivity. Preconceived notions further exacerbate this issue by creating an environment where assumptions override genuine understanding. This can further cause conflicts, erode trust, and hamper collaboration. Over time, these barriers can lead to a breakdown in communication, making it difficult to build and maintain strong, meaningful connections.

How can you experience mindful listening?

If you are following this article, you have already experienced getting into the state of dháraná using the audio above. This is a great starting point. However, the next challenge is noticing when you have become distracted.

Once you are concentrated, it can be very easy to get distracted. Even with limited sources of distractions, it is still too easy to slip. Therefore, it is crucial to notice when you have become distracted so you can return your focus and concentration to the activity at hand.

There are many ways to train this skill. The one which has worked best for me is practising the complete DeRose Method. There we train many techniques that increase your awareness of distractions and help you return to a place of focus.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

One of the key aspects of communication is to connect with the person you are communicating with, this could range from a single person to a group to an audience. This connection takes place at an emotional level and therefore, to get the most out of communication we need to train our emotional intelligence and our empathy. They enable us to connect deeply with others, gain insights about what others are feeling and needing, and guide how we could formulate a more effective response. Sounds great, right? This is one of those typical things which are easy to say and hard to do. It is hard to do because we are mostly communicating in automatic mode, distracted by our busy lives and the demands and pressure each of us experience daily.

It is all too easy to overlook the emotional states of others when all our attention is being demanded internally. This often leads us to rush through conversations, focusing on our own needs and perspectives, and neglect the feelings and viewpoints of others. This lack of empathy can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, eroding the foundation of our relationships, contributing to a breakdown in communication. Additionally, managing our own emotions can be a task unto itself, making it even harder to communicate effectively.

When empathy and emotional intelligence are lacking, the consequences are significant. Misunderstandings become commonplace, as we fail to grasp the true meaning behind others’ words and actions. Conflicts escalate because we are unable to see things from another’s perspective. In professional settings, this can result in decreased teamwork, lower productivity, and a toxic work environment. On a personal level, relationships suffer from a lack of trust and emotional connection, making it difficult to maintain meaningful and supportive bonds.

The solution to this conundrum is to break free of the automatic mode. It is to take ownership of the moment you exist and commit to being fully present on this moment. This is the very essence, the very meaning of entering the state of dháraná, of concentration and mindfulness. Mindfulness can play a transformative role in enhancing empathy and emotional intelligence. 

As you develop your ability to concentrate, to challenge the automation assumptions and instead to dedicate your concentration and focus to the moment at hand, you will start to experience more of your own emotions and gain valuable insights of what others are feeling, why they are feeling and be able to unearth a path to communicating the heart of the issues at hand: what are the needs of the those your are communicating with.

In this newfound state of concentration you will be able to listen not only to the words being spoken but also to the emotions and intentions behind them. This heightened awareness fosters empathy and strengthens our emotional intelligence, leading to more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.

How can mindfulness help to enable Empathy and Emotional Intelligence 

This starts with you. You need to train your concentration skills. You need to be able to be so well trained so that, in any circumstance, you can invoke your skill, remove distractions and concentrate on the moment at hand. 

In my experience at a corporate career, as an entrepreneur, as a dad, as someone who has desired to be a better version of himself and has dedicated over 2 decades to this process, the best solution, the most effective, the quickest solution I have found is the DeRoes Method. So I will draw upon my own experience and allow myself to recommend. Click the button below and start a free trial at DeRose Amsterdam. Don’t believe me. Try it for yourself.